... It's been so long. Too fricking long.
More than two years? Almost three?
What the heck??
I absolutely need to say a huge "I'm sorry" to y'all here.
I'm deeply sorry. To everyone who watched me, to those who took a look at my gallery and liked what they saw, to those who left a fav, to those who left a comment, to those who left all those big long beautiful comments, to my friends. Y'all have a place in my heart, and I mean it. Love y'all.
I'm so sorry I disappeared like that. If I have to be truly honest, I don't even know what I was thinking. Since I'm not sure why I left without notice.
I feel like I really have to say this to my friends. Because darn, I had so many nice friends here! Me, this socially awkward thing that can't maintain long distance relationships to save its life, had a chance to interact with all this great people! Gosh, seriously, what have I done.
It's... been so long. DA is just an old memory from me right now, to be honest. But an important one. You guys helped me grow a lot, you made me start my artistic journey, I'm pretty sure I wasn't even 13 when I actually joined this site. It's a weird age, and I thank you for keeping me company during that time.
I kinda think DA is -sort of- frozen in time, too? Nothing much's changed, not even the layout (not that much at least), nothing has been broken/cancelled while I wasn't looking (unlike my own forums from my early internet days, hah).
Honestly, why did I go away? Well, at first it was real. I needed a break. I was only thinking of how to get views, how to get noticed, how to get faves. Those totally useless things, and I didn't like it one bit. So I wanted to take a small vacation. It'd do good to be on hiatus for a while. I also realised I actually made friends irl, and I didn't want to lose them anytime soon (and yes, they're still here). But then time passed. Quite a bit... then too much.
The main thing that kept me away was how much I changed. My views, my interests, my art. It was around when I discovered how much fantasy was in mangas and started Fullmetal Alchemist (loved that to bits). Also when I found the love of my life and current obsession, Tales of games. Abyss litterally saved my life because I was depressed (and it was kinda bad) back in 2014, the year after I lost both my grandfather and my cat, which was like a brother to me. (Currently I can say I'm totally recovered, my feeling's are all sorted out and I'm doing okay. I feel pretty much reborn, like a phoenix. It's good and I'm so happy)
And Tales games are freaking too great, I tell ya, best things on Earth to play. I'm so glad I imported Zestiria when it came out in Japan, even if I didn't understand (almost) nothing of the language... I still felt in love with Sorey and Mikleo. And that journey was a wonderful experience. But let's leave this to another day, eh.
So I've been going even deeper on this passion for Japanese comics and anime lately I guess. I love how it's possible to put so many life lessons, humor, and gorgeous art in one place. At least some of them can. I made up enough anime experience to consider myself an expert, some were really good, even if I got too see too many weird things (à la Eva) (but don't worry, I skipped everything that makes me uncomfortable (aka anything more than pg13 //laughs))
And my style basically has nothing left of the cute lil dragons I drew. Don't get me wrong, dragons are still my muses and frick I drew dragon for 9 months on my desk last year at school and I'm so gonna do the same this year. (hah, that's so how I'll pass my 4th year of scientific highschool).
I'm searching for my own style currently. First of all, at the moment I basically stopped being a digital artist, since I never have the time to use a pc. So -much traditional!- (and oi, watercolour's fun)
I still do draw cartoon-ish dragons sometimes. My style is like, what I would put in a animation, so not too cartoon, neither too realistic. I actually learned to draw anime humans, and some realistic ones. I needed to learn how to draw humans for the stories that I wanted to tell. And while I am definitely proud of what I accomplished, I still have to learn a ton. (Anime style is fun, because it makes even the human figure look good //laughs). No really some manga are work of art. Currently my style is a mess, a realistic-anime mash up, but as a friend said it's also cute and "makes you want to pitch the character's cheeks" (somehow).
And yeah we're getting to the point: remember that story about Elyf the elf and Whireal the white dragoness? Still on work. 5 years- wait, 6 and a half- I'm still working on those ocs... I probably like them too much to leave their tale untold. I'd like to draw a manga about them, but I'd also have to keep it short, because frick I won't live enough to make a 100 chapter one. I'm a huge procastinator, sadly. I like their story, even if probably it's difficult for others to do so, but I don't really care. So yeah: I want to draw a full scale truly high fantasy manga (there aren't enough of them, believe me). The problem is, I still have nothing done. Hah, only I can get a colossal 3-months-long artblock whenever summer clocks in, and right when I swore I'd draw that shit.
Because honestly, that's the thing. I wanted to come here sparkling, with my not-so-great-but-oh-well manga to show you, to update weekly and stuff. But yeee 6 years after, nothing's done. Now you get why I was ashamed to come back, I suppose (I'm laughing at myself so hard).
Gotta say, I'm also doubting I'll ever finish it... I started another story, with another dragon and a way more diverse cast (which is something that I fricking needed), but it's still not enough. I'll probably keep working on that one, even if right now I have no idea what it'll become.
This summer I kind of realised the reason nothing seemed to work was because my ideal goal changed. I didn't want to make a manga anymore, I wanted an animation. One of those a-few-minutes-long-movies that can change your life. I'd be hella cool to work on one, but I guess that'll end up in the list of stuff to do.
I used to tell myself "Before I start college, my manga will be finished!" and I watched every summer passing with more regret. I guess it won't work but whatever. I'm still filling sketchbooks and drawing fanart (currently killing myself with Steven universe's style. love that cartoon's messages) and overall having fun.
I half-thought about going to an art school and making it my job and stuff, because I love drawing, but. One, CalArt is on the opposite side of the world. Two, I suck too much for a good art school to accept me (seriously, I should finish more stuff). I guess... It's not my thing. I guess going science and keeping art as a hobby will do the trick for me.
So back to topic (?). I have to say I changed a lot. I feel like I finally grew up -I'm still smoll but at least my mind can tell what's wrong and what's not. (I feel like the time I passed when I was between 0-12yo didn't just, happen. It's weird) (PS: The way I'm typing is probably making me look even less mature than before and pissing lots of you off, yea sorry about that, but whatever. I tell you, I feel better writing like this, because darn I'm finally more honest with myself and y'all)
So to sum it up, yes I'm still drawing. I'm saying this after thinking for 3 months that maybe art isn't suited for me, only to realise when school is starting (two days...), that frick if I'm not an artist I would be nothing. Empty broken space, a person wasting its life for nothing. I'm too much of a dreamer to fit in this world. At least I still think, work hard, draw, write and play videogames. I'm enjoying the frick out of life at the moment. Sure I still get sad but I learned it's useless to waste your time being sad and feeling bad and shit. I now know how to make myself happy, and it's working. The world is so beautiful, filled with things to learn and see and feel, I can't wait to explore it all. And maybe draw it. Art isn't easy, but I'm not giving up anymore.
(fuck back to topic) Okay so. I may not finish the project of making a manga, because I'd be able to drag it for another good 10 years and waste the possibility to surprise myself and actually doing it while I'm still a teenager (ha ah ha). That's why I'm half sure this journal won't mean I'll come back.
I've been wanting to make a new account with my nickname as of late. But I also want to constantly have art to update, and right now my last finished piece goes back to... hum. Too long ago. Yup.
I did finish what- 8 artbooks? more? a dozen? during the time I was off here, tho, and I really have fun with traditional, even if I can only use a pencil and best case scenario ink, a bit of watercolor. (Sorry I'm poor.) I'll probably only be back here when I feel I can stay true to my hopes and not disappear every month.
I wouldn't mind having a place to update in the meantime, and I have 3 years of backlog that I wouldn't mind to show, but- where? I've been jumping on some site (because of Zestiria, nothing serious really, got bored in a few months). I found that I like how twitter works -easy way to contact friends and share art. I may create a Tumblr blog too, one for the backlog of sketchbook art that doesn't deserve to not be shared with the world. And an active tumblr&twitter for keeping up with my current art. Yeah, I'd love to do that. But I'm not sure when, to be honest. School's starting up again, and while it'll drain life out of me again, I wonder if I can find time to do it. I'm sure it'd be fun. Probably some day along the way.
So, MH okay I ended up ranting. I swear I didn't want to, what the heck, sorry I went in this huge monologue about stuff you probably don't care about, and it's nothing like what you wanted to read. This is an art site, me genius. I guess this ended up being an update. I'll be sure to tell y'all (is anyone even reading this? boh) if I ever post my art anywhere. (I know this journal is not very coherent/grammatically correct either. I've worked on this for too long. And I haven't used emoticons either but it's just for this-- I'm surprised I can actually write without them)
Long story short, I hope you can excuse me, but it's not necessary. (heck, almost three years! I'm positive a lot of you don't even remember me, and I sure won't blame you!) I'm not trying to get back nor anything yet. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to read any possible comment- but whatever. I do miss my friends from here and wish I had been better at showing how much they were important for me (and if you think you may be about you, it totally is). So yeah I kind of wrote all this just because I wanted to tell them that.
I acknowledge it was a shitty move from me. Sorry. I should have said something.
And finally, I hope I'll see y'all around. Somewhere. Some day.
Keep on going strong.